Today we are excited to share with you shocking, joint documents from the Justice, Education, and Treasury Departments, leaked by sources who may or may not be in the know. A quick precatory note.
It’s our job to bring this news to you immediately. In publishing fast-breaking stories such as what follows, we apply the same vigorous editorial standards as the most esteemed publications in the United States (the New York Times and Washington Post). Accordingly, readers should be aware that we neither investigated nor otherwise verified the veracity of what follows. We certainly don’t want to jeopardize our highly partisan, though plausibly deniable, objectives. We fully expect what follows to be re-Tweeted (X’ed?) to millions of readers within an hour or so of publication. Readers should urgently check in on TikTok for further shocking updates before the Congress passes its ban. In that eventuality, we refer you to Libs of TikTok for future developments. Readers absolutely should not expect any further update by us to this story.
Now let’s get to the quite remarkable plans generated by these three Federal agencies. Here are relevant excerpts from the joint announcement.
“March 19, 2024 – For Immediate Implementation
Beginning May 1, 2024, by joint order of Attorney General Merrick Garland, Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona, and Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, all buildings subject to Federal jurisdiction in the United States and all U.S. territories (but excluding reservations for pre-colonialization native Americans) shall alter all rest room facilities, as set forth below.
Secretaries Garland, Cardona, and Yellen determined that the current use of “Men’s” and “Women’s” restroom signs to designate which facilities shall be used by men, women, both, either, and illegal aliens has become overwhelmingly confusing. Accordingly, as of the effective date, all such facilities shall replace all signs with the nouns “men’s” and “women’s”, and replace them with the nouns “penis” and “vagina.” Moreover, all signage portraying derogatory, racist, and sexist white supremacy symbol representations of human figures shall be replaced by drawings, pictures, and other designs of the human penis and human vagina, respectively. Such drawings, pictures, and other designs shall not delineate any differences between human groups, races, nationalities, cultures, sub-cultures, orientations, self-created groups, tribes, or ages.
In particular, in order to avoid confusion with respect to age groups, all drawings, pictures, and other designs shall show human vaginas both with, and without, pubic hair. Similar rules and regulations shall be crafted to address the wide variety of human penises and changes to human penises as across pre-pubescent and post-pubescent human groups, races, nationalities, cultures, sub-cultures, orientations, self-created groups, and tribes.”
The Attorney General noted the urgent need for such changes. His prepared statement highlights a national increase of violence, and occasional extreme violence, faced by persons currently confused by the use of “men’s” and “women’s” nomenclature.
Mr. Garland’s comment provides: “A series of rolling brawls have been reported to this office, particularly in the central states. Confusion runs rampant regarding use of rooms designated as “men’s” and “women’s”. Seventeen people were seriously wounded in Columbus, Ohio. There, “women’s” room users were pelted by members of the Hell’s Angels group demanding access to the “women’s” facilities. Reports of shotgun blasts and knife fights have surfaced in Pittsburgh, Little Rock, and Portland. Other locales throughout the United States are experiencing similar problems.
Complaints regarding confused, undocumented, transitional, self-claiming men urinating outside of these facilities have grown by 5,000% just in the past month. (Fortunately, San Francisco and Seattle avoided this problem, with designated “defecation only” zones throughout those cities. We urge other towns and cities to follow suit). This behavior cannot, and will not, be tolerated by this office. We intend to prosecute all infractions swiftly and severely. Safety while defecating is our highest priority.”
Secretary Yellen stated that “the President is distressed that little girls remain confused under our current approach. The President himself is confused. Just last week he erroneously wandered into a “women’s” facility while looking for one of his six – or is it seven – grandchildren, Beau Biden. The Treasury Department prioritizes imposing the highest possible tax rate on U.S. corporations (even if the resultant taxes are paid to foreign jurisdictions). Nevertheless, we simply must set that aside given the President’s concerns.”
Secretary Cardona added that “schools throughout the United States are doing a great disservice to our students. We need simplicity. I am proud to announce the largest outreach to American artists since the Federal Art Project of 1935. Those brilliant artists created millions of posters during the Great Depression for a wide variety of federal agencies. We intend to employ hundreds of thousands of persons to design, draw, paint, sculpt, and otherwise produce the broadest possible array of images for our new focus on penises and vaginas. This will be very hard work. It gets harder as time passes. We are excited to see what comes out.”
This piece is completely satirical and bears no relationship to anything at all. Which, we guess, makes it entirely mainstream.